i've decided to be the rock in the middle of the stream down here. just sit here and let it all just flow over me. slowly erosion will take effect, but i'll end up more interesting as a result.

it's a photo opportunity

as you might have noticed, i need a good picture for my blog. i don't have a camera, or a personal computer, but i've figured out how to take pictures off other people's blogs. let's look at this as a contest. if any of you have a good picture of me, post it, email me so i know where to look, and whoever wins will have their picture [of me] up on my site. may the best man/woman win. thanx for helping little ol' technologically-challenged me.

i'm feelin' it

i just want to thank you; my redheaded internet/blogging guru and favorite female crush [you know who you are] for all the love, sympathy, and nice compliments on my own blogging experiment. you make me smile.

ghost from the past

i'm standing at the computer trying to type. [yes standing, in bike cleats, because all of the sit-down computers are taken] i'm distracted by the short dark guy standing next to me because he is one of those zealous typers who also feels the need to chuckle to himself about whatever he is doing. that is all fine and well, but this particular fellow must work in some sort of seafood related industry, at least for his sake i hope so, because he smells like a trawler. as if all this outside distraction wasn't bad enough, my stomach is doing cartwheels, all because i happened to think about a guy who broke my heart five years ago. while trying to remember the title of a book he once gave me, i find my self pondering what he might be doing now. our relationship did not end well, and i haven't said more than three words to him since he broke up with me and left me stranded, crying, alone at a train station in small-town mass. the only residual feelings i've ever had in regards to him are hurt and hatred, but out of the blue, i'm confronted with all of these [mostly] repressed memories of him and i sitting naked by his bedroom window, wrapped in his soft blue blanket, smoking hand-rolled cigarettes and talking about our future like kids in love. it's so bizarre how someone can be such a huge part of your life, claim a slice of your soul and then disappear into a blur of anger and pain. it makes me realize that, as cheezy as it sounds, when something like that is left without 'closure' it never truly dies. i'm not one to continually dwell on these things. i'm all about leaving the past behind me. it's when memories come uninvited that i realize we don't get to choose which ghosts haunt us.

morning ride

living in the oc i've felt like a fish out of water. i'm frustrated, angry and i'll bitch about it. some days i'm sure i'm going to go crazy, but if i really think about it, sometimes you have to deal with the shit to appreciate when you have it good. here's how i'm starting to cope:

i wake up with my mouth still sticky from last nights jameson. drag my ass out of my bunk [why the fuck did i think this was a good idea?] shoes, socks, helmet, turn up the oven; i'm off the boat, on my bike, cruising through the parking lot when i finally start to wake up. the idea is to do this every morning. like most things that are good for you, but require work, i have to talk myself into it every morning. i ride my route- past 'italian' restaurant and rich-asshole club, getting a laugh at which cars are left at the valet from the night before. too drunk to drive the hummer home. down the road which has yet to fill up with cars. this early the only people up and about are joggers, and people who actually have to work for a living [mexicans]. as i pedal by, the road-side flora lets off the scent of sage and slippery elm, the sweet herbal smell reminding me of the all natural cough drops my mom fed me as a child. even in this affluent neighborhood trash litters the hill like christmas decorations for the carefully landscaped yards. up a little hill, enough to make me sweat, and slight curve to the right; under a pedestrian over-pass and my road dead ends into another cross street. after checking my left flank for homicidal morning commuters, i "flip a bitch" and head back. this is the fun part. the little hill up is now a hill down and as i pick up speed, legs pumping, i feel the exhilaration that makes me do this every morning. flying past gardeners, contractors, and couples in matching [insert popular over-priced brand name here] running wear, i let go of my [oft' times abundant] anger and bask in a feeling of freedom from my angst and nauseating surroundings. the ride ends at starbucks for lack of anywhere else to go. dismounting with the same tired satisfaction that follows a really good fuck, i enter back into the reality of my surroundings with a smirk and a renewed sense of fortification. looking at my fellow morning caffeine seekers, i have to smile. i'm not one of them. i know that there is much much more to life than shoes and cars, carbs and handbags. i don't need shitloads of money or the envy of my peers. i can find inner peace peddling over asphalt at six thirty in the morning. i can get personal satisfaction atop my ten-speed. i guess it's what some people get from religion. it's what i get from my morning ride.

this doesn't mean that every thing is fucking buttercups and daisies. i'm still lonely, and starved for good conversation. i'm fuckin horny as all get out my usual bunk warmer is miles away- even the lesbians here don't like me and stupid guys from catalina get my digits, but still don't bother to call. it's not enough to make me ever consider living here "for reals", but i get some psychotherapy that's free, and not bad for my liver- yippie! that's enough to keep me on the verge of madness. none of this off the deep-end shit for me. if it doesn't kill me it makes me stronger, right?

welcome to my nightmare

i live in The OC. i wish i could tell you that it is just a tv show, but that is how it is, really. it should be funny, but it's so real it's just not funny anymore. it makes me wonder is it life posing as hell or hell posing as life?
Despite my personal aversion to blogs, being trapped in a strange and somewhat hostile land [orange county] and having little success communicating with the locals, it seems that maybe i should get over it and give this thing a proper go. being non-native i'm not allowed to check out books, but i get 2 hrs free internet a day at the Newport Beach Public Library which is probably the most exciting thing i have going for me right now. that and my bicycle. i'm so glad i have the forethought to bring it along- it is the only thing that keeps me sane. even going out for a beer here just makes me frustrated and angry. maybe it's time to learn from my friends [ahem...kim] and expand my world via internet. of all the tv shows i had to end up living in, it had to be this one.

i just wanted to make a comment...

and now i have a blog... funny how life works sometimes, eh?