heartbroken

the love of my life was taken from me. i feel lost.

and then one day you wake up

hungover [again], eyes still sore from the night before. marvel at the fact that, despite your being a smart, independent girl, other people can still effect you this way. i stumble off the boat in the rain [thank god] and push by all the fanatics gathering like moths to the flame of the seven foot knoll lighthouse. the lighthouse challenge is today, i don't understand the obsession. they greet me in my pajamas as if i am one of them, only confirming in my mind how fucking weird they are. 'i live here' i mumble, and make my way to the office, the computer, my attempt to write something and purge myself of this shit and frustration. a few drinks and one non-existent phone call is all it took to dissolve this one into a specter of doubt and loathing. i don't want to care, but i do. i don't want to want anything more than my rockstar self, but i do. i hate being confronted by the weakness i refuse to accept.

more mexicana

acapulco is quite the adventure. as i mentioned before, the hostel is under construction. i now believe i am the only one staying there. there is a pool, tennis court, and dirt track as promised, but everything else is torn apart. it would be a really cool place if it was complete and if people actually stayed there. i can´t complain about having an entire room with six beds to my self, but it´s a little quiet at night. there was a tv, which was nice to fend off midnight loneliness, but for some reason the grounds people came in and took it this morning. ??? they didn´t really speak english. oh well, i have lots of books and i´m treating myself to an upgrade. i booked myself the last four nights at a real hotel on the other side of acapulco. it´s called the boca chica, check out its website if you want, it looks great and is 60 usd. a night. a little more than the hostel, but i get my own room with a "spectacular ocean view" and it´s closer to the historical part of acapulco. there are buses here, but they are really confusing and notorious for over-charging gringos, you can´t walk anywhere nice from the hostel, so i take cabs. it end up spending approx. 160p. a day on taxis. i´m hoping that boca chica has a nicer surrounding area and i won´t have to cab-it into town every day. if the pictures are telling the truth, it´s so beautiful that i probably wont have to find somewhere else to go, unlike kingdom hostel. as nice as it is to spend the day in a construction site... the major downtown beach area is, well, ugly. it´s like las vegas sans kitch factor. as far as i can tell, it is where mexicans go on vacation. i´ve seen maybe five people who look like they might speak english and their native language. there are really no white people here at all, but don´t worry, i´m not getting harassed. what with the hairdo, i heard some guy say something about muscles (haha), and the fact that i´m at least half a foot taller than everyone people just stare, which i´m used to. it´s nice really, the hawkers who usually mob gringos actually take a simple "no gracias." ...and i thought la paz was americanized. here i´m surrounded by the requisite fast food chains, american clothing conglomerates, office max, canadian banks, walmart(s!!), sam´s club, even a hooters!! and let us not forget starbucks. i hate to admit it, but in the land of instant nescafe, it is really nice to find a real cup of coffee, and the starbucks down here tastes way better that it does in the us, and the baristas are soo, much nicer. i haven´t completely succumbed to american consumer icons. i havn´t eaten at the hardrock cafe, planed hollywood, jimmys cafe, reubens burgers, sushi itto (it´s a chain), carlos and charlies, etc. thank god! i´ve had some awesome ceviche, whole avocados for dinner, a mango for breakfast, and yesterday for lunch, i had some really good fish- snapper i think, at this odd little cantina. its on the strip between two hideously over decorated bar/discotheques and from the sidewalk it is just a patio with tables and a menu crudely painted on some plywood. i´m still not sure where the food came from, but i did see some stairs leading down. there was one old man who appeared to do everything and for 60p. i got half a fish, papas fritas, rice, tomato, onion, and... this is weird, bread and butter. really good, awesome view (if you look past the jet skis, this part of the bay is really beautiful). it looks like the other side of acapulco that i will be moving to on sun. is a lot more natural. so i´ll soak up the plastic pop culture now, and bask in the tropical sun later on in the week. that´s it for now, i have a spanish version of superman to catch. i´m hoping to get more in late, but i don´t know if boca chica will have such accessible Internet. like everything in this trip, i´ll just wait and find out when i get there

acapulco

finally, a fucking update, right.. haha, this is a spanish keyboard and i cant find the question mark, oh wait, there they are ¿?

oi, quite the arrival. the hostel that i am staying at is under rennovations and it appears that the area has flooded recently. all of this has affected the electricity. i have a tv and ac, but no internet. thankfully stumbled upon this one (approx. 1.50 us an hour) while wandering around the downtown beachy area (i think that´s where i am) i´ve been told that it´s winter down here and i am one of three people staying at the hostel, which is weird. i´m still wandering around, trying to get a feel for the place before i pass judgment. i think i need a map. more updates to follow... i am off in search of lunch.

self inflicted insomnia

it's hot up here in the lighthouse where i sit at a borrowed mac typing my way into another groggy morning. i've been trying to put myself to bed for over an hour now, but somehow it hasn't happened yet. it's that old habbit... staying up because i can, because i'm the only one up right now, because this latenight frame of mind allows me to wallow in my thoughts and daydreams [fuck technicality]. with my brain on overdirve the way it has been lately- the empty bunk i have to look forward to is less than appealing. too much space to think.

la luna

riding around baltimore, longing for a destination. i find myself in one coffee shop after another; an anarchist bookstore, a folky internet cafe, a bustling neighborhood shrine to caffeine. this fills the day, but at night, leaves me wide awake- and feeling desperately lonely. i sit on the deck of my boat, knees hugged up to my chin, swearing at the full moon for making my blood boil, the coffee for seducing me into that last sleep eluding cup, the world for leaving me here alone, and myself for caring.

oh those heart-breaking moments of insecurity